Under My Mask
by fujinakaheero
Summary: Nana, what do I do? I never told him about what happened four years ago, after Ren died, Blast went continued on, and I tried to live a life with Takumi. My take on what happens after Nana leaves off. Review if you want more.


**A/N:** Well this is my first Nana fic. I don't think it's as popular as it use to be.. honestly I get why, it's been a few years now since the manga has been updated. It's been a while since we've even gotten news from Ai Yazawa on whether she was going to continue Nana or not. Still waiting for her to come back, I miss Nana.

Anyways, not sure if I'll write more to this or not. I'm figuring I may only write more if demand is high enough, which means comments are the way to go! Once you've finished, please comment on if you think i should continue on or not. The more comments the get the more likely I am to write more. So leave feedback, please. Hope you like it. I'm a big NobuxHachi shipper. It's my ultimate pairing as far as Nana goes.

* * *

Under my Mask

* * *

_Nana,_

_It's been four years since we last saw each other. How have you been? I see you on t.v. Some times or I hear one of your songs come on the radio. Ren, he's turning four this year too. He asks about you some times, I show him pictures I have of us when he asks to see them. He especially likes seeing the pictures I took of some of your first performances on the big stage. He has the same admiration for you as I did back then... Takumi and I.. the divorce finally went through, I almost backed down a few times, it's scary to think of being on my own with a child, Takumi isn't even fighting for joint custody for him but I don't really blame him, he looks a lot like **him**. I think about him a lot still. Nana, I miss you. You'd know exactly what I should do right now..._

* * *

"Mom, I see the apartment! Are we really going to live there for now?" I can't help but smile at the little boy's enthusiasm as the trucks gets closer to the apartment, my old and first apartment I ever got when I moved to Tokyo. I want to sigh a little when I think about the seven flights of stairs I'll have to climb up and down each day again, but the place has many good memories for me. Nana had stopped paying rent on it and I had asked Takumi if I could keep it rented out for now until I figured out what I wanted to do. He had agreed that would be best.

We had been separated for a year before, I had stayed at the house with Renmaru, Ren for short, wanting to wait to move until I was ready to get him started in preschool. He started next week and the preschool I had chosen was only a five minute walk from here. Our divorce was mutual, he even wanted to give me enough money to live off of for many years, if I stretched it I could probably live off of it for the rest of my life and that's with supporting my son. I knew I needed to start working again, I just wasn't sure what I could do. I told Takumi I didn't want the house, it was his and I refused it when he insisted I take it. It was too big, too empty for me. Living in the lap of luxury for five years had only turned me off from luxury itself. I wanted to feel normal again; to feel like me. I was only twenty-five yet I felt years older.

I had sent a message to Nana a week ago to tell her of the news and changes, asking if she'd be able to meet me here, at our apartment, when I got in. It really was perfect, it had two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom. We didn't need any more space than that. Most of our stuff had already been moved here and today we were bringing the last of our belongings and ourselves to my old home; to make it our new home, Ren and I. I had never gotten a reply though, she was probably busy. Surprisingly, we all thought she would have taken the solo deal she had been presented many years back but had refused it. Black Stones was still new to the music business and she had stated that she felt like it wasn't the right choice yet. In a few years after that, she had released a solo album, but had went back to the band immediately afterwards. Her loyalty laid with them. As far as I knew they had been out of the scene for six months now, I read about the rumours that had floated about their supposed disbanding. That was the latest rumour. I knew the truth, Nana had texted me a few months back saying that they were working on a new album, making it their fourth one. This year seemed to the year of the number four. I want a to giggle.

"Mom! Come on, we're here! Come on! Come on! Come on!" I'd taken back from my thoughts to the reality I am now presented with. I look up to look out the windshield to see three figures standing on the side walk outside the building. "Mom! It's them!" I don't need to ask who 'them' is because I would know that figure any where. Short black hair, now complemented with some red streaks, heavy eye liner, tight fitting pants that are tucked into tied up army books, and a graphic shirt that read "leader" on it. I don't know whether to laugh at her shirt or cry at how much she has unchanged. I follow my little boy out the truck and can't help as my feet speed up until I'm running to her and hugging her. I can feel myself laughing and crying at the same time. My emotions are every where.

"I thought we'd surprise you when you got here, sorry for not responding to your message, Hachiko." I can forgive her instantly because it doesn't matter now that I have my best friend at my side.

"Mama," I open my eyes, tears still falling and look down into ocean blue eyes that are staring up at me from my side, he's gotten a bit shy with the new company we have. He's only ever seen them in pictures, this was the first time he's ever seen them in the flesh. I let go on Nana and extend my hand to him to take in his tiny grasp.

"Nana, I'd like you to meet Renmaru. Ren, this is Nana." I watch for her reaction at the name, seeing her is much different than hearing her voice on the phone or reading a text she sends. Her face always shows the most emotions. I can the surprise is still there when i say his name, but she looks down at him endearingly and kneels so that she's at his level, extending her hand to him.

"Nice to meet you finally, Renmaru. Your mom has told me lots about you." I feel him let go out my hand and tentatively place his hand in hers, letting a smile creep up as they shake hands.

"Mom tells me about you and the band all the time!" The shyness is gone almost instantly.

"Well as much as I'd like to catch up, first things first we need to get all this stuff upstairs. Yori needs to get his truck back before supper." The driver of the truck we rode in finally comes out and gives everyone a wave.

It takes us a good hour between the five of us but it gives me a bit of a distraction during that time.. because Nobu had come with Nana and Shin.

* * *

We keep the conversation light that night as we eat the take out we order, with just moving in nothing has been unpacked and going through boxes to find things just didn't seem worth it. I had decided to put Ren in my bed for the night, figuring Nana would spend the night, hoping she would. Once he was down for the night, we cracked open the alcohol, celebrating our reunion after so many years apart.

"Kanpai!" We cheered softly and downed the shot we had poured for ourselves before going back catching up.

"So what are your plans now, Hachi?" Shin leaned his head on my shoulder as he asked me this question. Since Ren went to bed, Shin had been glued to me. I missed it. I still hadn't really spoken to Nobu, our last time together had been awkward and we had made it final that we couldn't be. That was before I ever had Ren though... I wish we had talked afterwards now. I was too guilty to really look him in the eye now.

"I don't really know yet. Ren's going into preschool next week, so I want to find something during the day while he's there." I feel him sigh out. Nana leaned onto the table a bit and stared at me for a moment before speaking.

"You should get into being a home maker or clothing. You've always been good with both." I give her a smile and nod. I've thought about it. I feel Shin sit up again quickly and see him snap his finger, a smile gracing his lips once more.

"You should go back to school, go for fashion or something! Get a degree in it though, you'll be more than qualified for the job then!" I laugh and shake my head. I catch his eye, just for a moment, but I see so much flash through those deep blues that I'm startled into silence. I pick up my empty cup and pour myself another shot to fill the awkwardness I feel now. I down the liquid, letting it burn down my throat before I decide to change topics.

"So how's the new album going?" I ask the group.

"We're actually taking a break. We've got five of the ten tracks we want to do recorded, but Yasu has some family business to attend to back home for now, so we've pushed back the release date for the album back another half a year. So right now we've got six months off for now. Which means, if you can, I'd like to stay here." I don't even have to think about it before I'm agreeing with Nana, because this is what I had missed the most. I could just move Ren's bed into my room, there was more than enough space.

"Yes! You can stay here! As if it'd even be a question!" I can't help the excitement. We drink some more that night, I don't remember when I tell Nana she can sleep in my little boy's bed and all of a sudden it's just Nobu and I sitting at the table, alone. Shin, I think, made his way to my room to fall asleep in the bed next to my son. I'd have to move them around so I could fit in there when I went to bed.

* * *

I bite down the fear I have when I look up at him finally to look him full in the eye. We were up still because we hadn't drank as much as them, even though I knew Ren would be safe I still don't drink as much as I use to. It was a mom thing these days. I see the intensity burn in the depths as we stare at one another. I cannot bare to try and break the silence between us, I don't even know where to start. I don't really want him to start either, because I don't know how I'll answer. Any questions I do have for him are ones that are none of my business, the main one was whether or not he still was with his girlfriend from a few years back. I hear him breathe out and watch him slouch a bit, almost in defeat.

"He looks a lot like you." I want to tell him that he actually looks a lot like him but I stop myself.

"He likes music. I think he's already developing an interest in guitar." Safe topics, that's where I want to stay for now.

"He doesn't look like him, at all." So much for staying on safe topics. I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid it, not after I saw him this morning when we arrived.

"No... not really." I don't know what else to say or how to proceed. Seeing Nana was one thing, but to face Nobu now under these circumstances was a whole different situation, one I hadn't been prepared for mentally or emotionally.

"Were you.." I look down when I see a tear slip from his eye. The guilt consumes me once more. "...ever going to tell me?"

"Maybe one day." I don't know if that's true, because when Ren had been born I had been shocked to see it myself, to see that the baby I had carried for nine months was not Takumi's, yet I had stayed with him. He had told me before that it didn't matter whose baby it was inside me, that he'd be the father regardless but the facade couldn't last and knowing it had been Nobu's baby had taken a toll on him. It hadn't helped that my heart still didn't belong to him, that it had been left in room 707 that night when I left Nobu behind for Takumi.

"Why did you keep it a secret? Nana, I would have been there, I'm his real father." I look back at him and can't stop my hand as it makes it way to his cheek, rubbing a tear away. I cup my hand to his cheek as I look at him once more.

"We had talked about it before, when it all happened. You weren't ready to have a family yet, Black Stones was barely established in the music world yet. You weren't ready to be a dad yet and I didn't want to force it on you." I feel the tears fall down my own cheeks as I see him close his eyes and lean into my hand.

"We would have figured some thing out." I hear him whisper and almost want to sob; I can't bring myself to.

"It wasn't the right time for you. I wasn't willing to ruin your life. Takumi he- he took care of him, treated him like his own. Ren doesn't know any different." I wipe another tear away from his pale skin before taking my hand back and look at my watch to see it's nearly two in the morning. "I should head to bed. If you want to stay, Nana's room has an extra cot in it that you can use." I get up and turn to head to my room, wanting nothing more than to escape the reality I'm facing now. I take one step towards my room when I'm suddenly stopped. I feel strong hands grab me, spin me around and lips crashing down onto my own with almost bruising force. I know at once it's him and my body automatically acts on it's own. My hands are moving to soft blond curls, tangling and tugging them as I move my lips with as much force. My eyes shut and my body moves flush up against his, soaking in his body heat. I feel myself get lost in scent.

He's pulling back all too quickly and I'm missing the heat from his lips on mine immediately.

"Goodnight, Nana. We'll talk properly in the morning." I feel him slip from my grasp and it takes everything in me to not pull him back to me. No matter the years that have gone my body still reacts to him.

I make it to my room and shut the door quietly behind me, still dazed. I slide down the door until I'm sitting on the floor, my mind is a blur as I raise a finger tentatively to my lips slowly. I almost feel like I've dreamed it. I can't imagine his girlfriend will be happy if she were to find out what had transpired in my kitchen this evening. I decide I rather not think about that.

I get up and climb into bed, Shin had taken up one side of the bed, curling up with Ren which left me enough room on the other side to curl up with the two of them, my two boys. I'm out by the time my head meets the pillow.

A/N: Thanks for reading!


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